[Vanya is still sort of trying to make herself breathe properly as Ben explains. It's not as bad as she assumed. She feels guilty, now, for thinking Klaus and Ben had lied to her, for likening them to Leonard or Dad or... anyone else.
If it had been so soon after Ben had died... Klaus had, for a long time towards the end of Vanya staying at the house, been mostly unable to "conjure" any ghosts, not to mention everything else going on with him. He'd gotten even worse after that, she thinks. Even after she left and had no real contact at all with Klaus anymore, she'd sometimes hear second or third-hand, and it always sounded like he was just... continuing the downward spiral.
Her brows knit as Ben recounts how each of them had reacted, further when Ben makes it clear how much of a joint effort it was. "Ben" was a taboo subject for a while. No one knew how to even begin to talk about what had happened. The statue was made so quickly and after the memorial, Vanya never brought it up. Not until the book, really.
Would she have believed him? Vanya was, she's been realizing, a very different person on her meds. She never wanted to think about anything that made her uneasy, so she just... didn't. Or she did, but she didn't let herself react to it.
Ben's right. As usual. Or... used to be usual.]
...Things were a lot different then. I don't know. I can't answer that.
[Not won't. Can't.
Because even if it wasn't some kind of top secret mission thing, Academy's eyes only, even if she's not reading this in her father's journal, this still changes things. It changes everything she built up to cope with missing Ben. It changes how she's supposed to think about her life from now on.
So much is changing, Vanya doesn't think she ever knew a thing about herself. It's overwhelming, how much her thoughts are trying to make these connections, trying to catch herself up on her own memories, trying to figure out who the hell she or any of them are, and it's too much.
She's forgotten to control her breathing. Her lungs remind her, desperate, and she covers her mouth because she's breathing too much now, she can't stop it, can't stop the gasping that makes her tear up, she reaches for her pocket to find it empty, she can't even see what's going on anymore and that just makes her panic more—]
[ Ben knows what Vanya is fumbling for, feeling around her pockets. But it has a new context for him, now. Vanya isn't the only one needing to reframe things retroactively in her mind. He sees her reaching for her medication, an automatic gesture, one he had been used to even when he was alive. She'd been on those pills as far back as he can remember. Only now, he knows what they were, and it makes his stomach turn.
He reaches out for her trembling, restless hands, stilling them between his. It is not a hard grip, but it is a steady one. Ben looks at her, steady, his dark eyes full of quiet hurt. He knows a panic attack when he sees one, but that doesn't make it any easier to watch. ]
You don't have to answer. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay, Vanya. Just breathe with me, alright, sis? In, then out. I'm here now, and I'm gonna look out for you. You're safe. Whatever happens, we'll face it together. You're not alone anymore, Vanya.
[ He can't know what she's seeing or remembering or thinking or feeling, but he has helped Klaus through enough of these - had a few himself, back when he was still alive - to not be alarmed or caught off guard. Ben keeps rubbing her hands gently between his to ground her, uses touch and the flowing sound of his voice (and sound is important, right? Klaus had said her powers had to do with sounds...), his steady breathing, and he doesn't look away. Ben is nothing if not patient, and he will wait as long as she needs, a steady and undemanding presence. ]
[At first, Vanya tries to pull her hands away. She's too lost in herself, too terrified and desperate, to understand that he's steadying her. He's giving her a sense to focus on. He's grounding her.
As he starts to talk, though, she hears his voice over the distress that overtook her like a ringing siren. Of course she hears his voice. It's a relief, though it's changed; it's deeper, it's calmer, it's more assured. But it's so fully him, and though she didn't have the same hope to cling to for his return the way she did with Five, she just wants to hear him speak.
It is all she hears. Vanya remembers her therapist, the way she'd talked about grounding. She remembers Leonard teaching her how to focus to control herself. As he talks, as she takes in the sound of his voice, the wind picks up quickly around them again. Without the focus, she could explode like that night in the parking lot. But now, though the wind grows stronger and stronger, and the leaves of the trees and the tall grass are crashing like waves, the power doesn't overload. It drains first.
She breathes at his instruction. Each time she takes a breath in, the wind gusts to the west. She takes a breath out, and the wind veers and lashes toward the east.
But Ben stays, and he speaks. He holds her hands, tracing his fingers against them to keep her here. To keep Vanya present. Focus. Focus, Number Seven. She's here, she's here in this park, the grass wilder and more natural than their perfectly manicured courtyard, and Ben is alive, and he cares about her.
And the wind starts to howl distantly, as it slowly wanes. Her breaths are longer and deeper. She can't see through her tears, so she keeps her eyes shut. Her hands fall still, remaining stiff, but they don't shake violently.
The wind reaches its coda and sighs, thinning to nothing. Vanya keeps herself as still as possible.]
I love you.
[It's hoarse. It sounds inadequate, to finally say it. She'd insisted that she loved her family to Leonard at the end, when he'd tried to point her at them like a cannon.
It's not them she's saying it to, or at least not any of the family she'd assumed would hear when she wanted them to hear it. But it's important Ben knows now. She loves him, and she missed him, and she doesn't want him to disappear again like Five did.]
[ Ben had been afraid for Vanya many times. Their father had threatened, once or twice, that if he didn't perform better in his training, that he would bring Vanya in, make her useful finally as a tool to motivate him to learn better control. And there had been other times. Times she had been too close to a mission, or someone had tried to break into the mansion. Later, too, after he was dead, he worried seeing her so depressed, so small. Klaus and Vanya; of all the siblings, they were the two that Ben had worried might really try to kill themselves someday. Lonely as he was, as a ghost, he didn't want that kind of company.
But then, while he is holding her hands, breathing in an even rhythm for her to match, Ben is terrified of Vanya. The rustle of the leaves is frantic and the branches toss this way and that in the wind - the wind that she is making. And it's all so fresh in his mind. Their home crumbling. The theatre, the way the music had leeched all the color out of her. The moon, cracked in two.
Her eyes are closed, though, and even if they weren't, Ben is good at hiding his fear. He swallows it down and stays where he is, tense and numb-fingered but stubborn. He is not going to abandon Vanya. He is not going to repeat Luther's mistakes and let his fear dictate his actions.
And slowly, slowly, the strange whirlwind surrounding them fades. By the time it has settled completely, Ben is feeling calmer, too, though his heart is racing still. ]
I love you, Vanya.
[ He says it without hesitation, or reserve. They are words he had been wishing he could say to her for many years. The fear he had just felt does nothing to diminish the love, either. She is his sister. That means something, to Ben. Always has. ]
I'm not going anywhere. I promise.
[ For a few moments he sits by her in silence, waiting for the his heartbeat to settle, giving Vanya the time she needs to settle her thoughts and adjust to this new reality: Ben, alive. Ben, here with her, having her back. Then, when he thinks it has been silent just about long enough, he says: ]
What do you think of the new me?
[ He gives a tiny gesture to his face, the one she hadn't recognized. Trying to lighten the mood, ever so slightly. Trying to show her, also, that all this is real, he is really alive, really has a body, really is here. ]
At least I didn't make my comeback looking like a tween the way Five did. I am not gonna miss the acne.
[ So Ben tries, in his gentle way, to coax a little laugh or smile from his sister. It had worked so often with Klaus, when things were bleak. Just try to give him one little thing that could hit his funny bone. Humor could get you through a lot of dark shit. ]
[When he says that he loves her, when Ben says that he loves her and he's not going to leave, she nearly starts sobbing again, but she catches herself with a tiny gasp and shuts her eyes tight. No tears. Don't make him regret it. He wants to stay with her, but she could make him change his mind that at this rate.
Vanya doesn't like that she has to wait those thoughts out now that she doesn't have her meds.
But the wind doesn't start again, and she doesn't... explode or whatever it is she does. Everything is fine. She wipes at her face to try to clean it up a little, because she doesn't want to be a mess the entire time she's reuniting with her dead brother. Eventually, she pulls one foot up to rest on the bench in front of her and leans her head against her knee. The benefits of being tiny.
When Ben talks again, she rolls her head over to the side and looks up at him. And... she can't help it, she laughs.]
God, poor Five. He's gonna start getting sweaty and hairy in front of our eyes.
[She feels bad about it, but that actually does make her laugh some more.]
So do ghosts... age? I mean, how does it all work? —You don't have to answer that. Sorry.
[ It lifts his spirits, no matter how tiny the laugh. It's good to see even a fleeting smile on Vanya's face again. She deserves it.
He remembers what Five had said before they all made their desperate leap to the past. They were going to do it better, this time. They weren't going to let Vanya down the way they had before. Ben knows they're in another dimension and outside of time and goodness knows if anything here matters or what all of it means, but he's going to start trying now. And that means talking to Vanya a little more like how he talks to Klaus, lately. Less wary, less boundaries, less distance.
So when Vanya jokes lightly at their brother's expense, Ben dissolves into giggles, his eyes bright and delighted. He joins in the game, leaning in, voice becoming a conspiratorial whisper: ]
Think about it - none of us got to see him going through puberty before. Could be a reaaallll horrorshow. I mean can you imagine his voice cracking while he talked? I bet he would flip a table, or like, jump out of the room immediately!
[ Five had always been proud, their whole lives. That wasn't something that the apocalypse had changed about him. And it feels good, to joke about it like this. It reminds Ben, for just an instant, of how the three of them had been before Five vanished. Not friends, exactly, but... closer. Closer to each other than any of them they were with Luther or Allison or Diego, and Klaus was just... an unpredictable outlier.
Her question about aging isn't unexpected, but all Ben can do is answer with a shrug. ]
I... don't think most of them do, but I did. I don't know why. Or how I'm alive now. I can... tell you what it was like, being a ghost, if you want, but I don't know any of the hows, or the whys.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: panic attack, also this is extremely Long im Sorry
If it had been so soon after Ben had died... Klaus had, for a long time towards the end of Vanya staying at the house, been mostly unable to "conjure" any ghosts, not to mention everything else going on with him. He'd gotten even worse after that, she thinks. Even after she left and had no real contact at all with Klaus anymore, she'd sometimes hear second or third-hand, and it always sounded like he was just... continuing the downward spiral.
Her brows knit as Ben recounts how each of them had reacted, further when Ben makes it clear how much of a joint effort it was. "Ben" was a taboo subject for a while. No one knew how to even begin to talk about what had happened. The statue was made so quickly and after the memorial, Vanya never brought it up. Not until the book, really.
Would she have believed him? Vanya was, she's been realizing, a very different person on her meds. She never wanted to think about anything that made her uneasy, so she just... didn't. Or she did, but she didn't let herself react to it.
Ben's right. As usual. Or... used to be usual.]
...Things were a lot different then. I don't know. I can't answer that.
[Not won't. Can't.
Because even if it wasn't some kind of top secret mission thing, Academy's eyes only, even if she's not reading this in her father's journal, this still changes things. It changes everything she built up to cope with missing Ben. It changes how she's supposed to think about her life from now on.
So much is changing, Vanya doesn't think she ever knew a thing about herself. It's overwhelming, how much her thoughts are trying to make these connections, trying to catch herself up on her own memories, trying to figure out who the hell she or any of them are, and it's too much.
She's forgotten to control her breathing. Her lungs remind her, desperate, and she covers her mouth because she's breathing too much now, she can't stop it, can't stop the gasping that makes her tear up, she reaches for her pocket to find it empty, she can't even see what's going on anymore and that just makes her panic more—]
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He reaches out for her trembling, restless hands, stilling them between his. It is not a hard grip, but it is a steady one. Ben looks at her, steady, his dark eyes full of quiet hurt. He knows a panic attack when he sees one, but that doesn't make it any easier to watch. ]
You don't have to answer. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay, Vanya. Just breathe with me, alright, sis? In, then out. I'm here now, and I'm gonna look out for you. You're safe. Whatever happens, we'll face it together. You're not alone anymore, Vanya.
[ He can't know what she's seeing or remembering or thinking or feeling, but he has helped Klaus through enough of these - had a few himself, back when he was still alive - to not be alarmed or caught off guard. Ben keeps rubbing her hands gently between his to ground her, uses touch and the flowing sound of his voice (and sound is important, right? Klaus had said her powers had to do with sounds...), his steady breathing, and he doesn't look away. Ben is nothing if not patient, and he will wait as long as she needs, a steady and undemanding presence. ]
no subject
As he starts to talk, though, she hears his voice over the distress that overtook her like a ringing siren. Of course she hears his voice. It's a relief, though it's changed; it's deeper, it's calmer, it's more assured. But it's so fully him, and though she didn't have the same hope to cling to for his return the way she did with Five, she just wants to hear him speak.
It is all she hears. Vanya remembers her therapist, the way she'd talked about grounding. She remembers Leonard teaching her how to focus to control herself. As he talks, as she takes in the sound of his voice, the wind picks up quickly around them again. Without the focus, she could explode like that night in the parking lot. But now, though the wind grows stronger and stronger, and the leaves of the trees and the tall grass are crashing like waves, the power doesn't overload. It drains first.
She breathes at his instruction. Each time she takes a breath in, the wind gusts to the west. She takes a breath out, and the wind veers and lashes toward the east.
But Ben stays, and he speaks. He holds her hands, tracing his fingers against them to keep her here. To keep Vanya present. Focus. Focus, Number Seven. She's here, she's here in this park, the grass wilder and more natural than their perfectly manicured courtyard, and Ben is alive, and he cares about her.
And the wind starts to howl distantly, as it slowly wanes. Her breaths are longer and deeper. She can't see through her tears, so she keeps her eyes shut. Her hands fall still, remaining stiff, but they don't shake violently.
The wind reaches its coda and sighs, thinning to nothing. Vanya keeps herself as still as possible.]
I love you.
[It's hoarse. It sounds inadequate, to finally say it. She'd insisted that she loved her family to Leonard at the end, when he'd tried to point her at them like a cannon.
It's not them she's saying it to, or at least not any of the family she'd assumed would hear when she wanted them to hear it. But it's important Ben knows now. She loves him, and she missed him, and she doesn't want him to disappear again like Five did.]
Please stay here. For... For now.
no subject
But then, while he is holding her hands, breathing in an even rhythm for her to match, Ben is terrified of Vanya. The rustle of the leaves is frantic and the branches toss this way and that in the wind - the wind that she is making. And it's all so fresh in his mind. Their home crumbling. The theatre, the way the music had leeched all the color out of her. The moon, cracked in two.
Her eyes are closed, though, and even if they weren't, Ben is good at hiding his fear. He swallows it down and stays where he is, tense and numb-fingered but stubborn. He is not going to abandon Vanya. He is not going to repeat Luther's mistakes and let his fear dictate his actions.
And slowly, slowly, the strange whirlwind surrounding them fades. By the time it has settled completely, Ben is feeling calmer, too, though his heart is racing still. ]
I love you, Vanya.
[ He says it without hesitation, or reserve. They are words he had been wishing he could say to her for many years. The fear he had just felt does nothing to diminish the love, either. She is his sister. That means something, to Ben. Always has. ]
I'm not going anywhere. I promise.
[ For a few moments he sits by her in silence, waiting for the his heartbeat to settle, giving Vanya the time she needs to settle her thoughts and adjust to this new reality: Ben, alive. Ben, here with her, having her back. Then, when he thinks it has been silent just about long enough, he says: ]
What do you think of the new me?
[ He gives a tiny gesture to his face, the one she hadn't recognized. Trying to lighten the mood, ever so slightly. Trying to show her, also, that all this is real, he is really alive, really has a body, really is here. ]
At least I didn't make my comeback looking like a tween the way Five did. I am not gonna miss the acne.
[ So Ben tries, in his gentle way, to coax a little laugh or smile from his sister. It had worked so often with Klaus, when things were bleak. Just try to give him one little thing that could hit his funny bone. Humor could get you through a lot of dark shit. ]
no subject
Vanya doesn't like that she has to wait those thoughts out now that she doesn't have her meds.
But the wind doesn't start again, and she doesn't... explode or whatever it is she does. Everything is fine. She wipes at her face to try to clean it up a little, because she doesn't want to be a mess the entire time she's reuniting with her dead brother. Eventually, she pulls one foot up to rest on the bench in front of her and leans her head against her knee. The benefits of being tiny.
When Ben talks again, she rolls her head over to the side and looks up at him. And... she can't help it, she laughs.]
God, poor Five. He's gonna start getting sweaty and hairy in front of our eyes.
[She feels bad about it, but that actually does make her laugh some more.]
So do ghosts... age? I mean, how does it all work? —You don't have to answer that. Sorry.
no subject
He remembers what Five had said before they all made their desperate leap to the past. They were going to do it better, this time. They weren't going to let Vanya down the way they had before. Ben knows they're in another dimension and outside of time and goodness knows if anything here matters or what all of it means, but he's going to start trying now. And that means talking to Vanya a little more like how he talks to Klaus, lately. Less wary, less boundaries, less distance.
So when Vanya jokes lightly at their brother's expense, Ben dissolves into giggles, his eyes bright and delighted. He joins in the game, leaning in, voice becoming a conspiratorial whisper: ]
Think about it - none of us got to see him going through puberty before. Could be a reaaallll horrorshow. I mean can you imagine his voice cracking while he talked? I bet he would flip a table, or like, jump out of the room immediately!
[ Five had always been proud, their whole lives. That wasn't something that the apocalypse had changed about him. And it feels good, to joke about it like this. It reminds Ben, for just an instant, of how the three of them had been before Five vanished. Not friends, exactly, but... closer. Closer to each other than any of them they were with Luther or Allison or Diego, and Klaus was just... an unpredictable outlier.
Her question about aging isn't unexpected, but all Ben can do is answer with a shrug. ]
I... don't think most of them do, but I did. I don't know why. Or how I'm alive now. I can... tell you what it was like, being a ghost, if you want, but I don't know any of the hows, or the whys.